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Archive for February 4th, 2012

(Originally published on http://www.thestartingfive.net on January 16, 2012)

There are rumors and scuttlebutt that President Barack Obama on Martin Luther King Day or Muhammad Ali’s birthday, a couple days later on January 17, will convene a covert committee to commence an all inclusive study on race, sex, movies, music, sports and politics to help shape the nation’s future.

Some top aides wanted legislation mandating that by the year 2020 African-Americans effectively run the sports world.  However, Obama reminded them of the dismal failure that met President Clinton when he tried to move forward with too much too fast in implementing his massive health care reform initiative.

The goal would not be to change the participation of Blacks in sports in which they already dominate like the NBA or NFL.  Or would the purpose be to increase the population of people of color in sports like golf and hockey.  The hope is more audacious.

As a matter of record, we all know that the NBA is about 75% black as many seem obsessed with the figures and reasons while as far as the President is aware there has been not one study commissioned with respect to NASCAR to determine if people of West African have the genetic code for steering.  Furthermore, President Obama in a personal unscientific survey seemed to stump all when asking what percentage of the U.S. Congress is white.

However, Obama did find that although the European influence in the NBA is still present it can no longer be labeled an invasion with its inconsistent impact and that it has been the counterbalanced with the emergence of African-born players.  Thus, most African-Americans are okay with maintaining the current melanin count on the hardwood.

President Obama on the playground.One brother was quoted as saying to the president at one of his secret runs at a playground in the SE corner of the

President Obama on the playground

district, “There’s three things in life fo’ sure; death, taxes and the NBA stay black.”  The games were so secret that not even the Secret Service was aware until some agent noticed in passing the blacktop impressed with the footprint of the president’s one of a kind Air Force One sneakers.  They have been present at every game since.

In fact, the same dude who gave that existentialist exegesis was also heard to have mumbled something about the Secret Service presence messing up the flow.  After the president’s squad spanked his team 21-0 like ‘Bama did LSU in the BCS title game, he claimed that he couldn’t figure out how to defend that left hand weak stuff Obama was bringing but he also was fearful that if he did block it, the men with ear pieces would have taken him out.

Nor is the NFL with it being approximately 66% black and no white cornerbacks on the horizon to replace Pacman Jones in jeopardy to revert to the old NFL days where the black quota had to be an even number to avoid interracial roommate pairings on the road.  If one black player was let go based on performance another would face the same fate for no other reason than to resolve the roommate dilemma.

One former NFL player later turned blaxploitation actor Willy Yardbird said, “Negros were treated worse than animals boarding Noah’s Ark as they would get cut during training camp in twos.”

However, an unveiled memo from one NFL team found at an old dilapidated Holiday Inn marked for razing during the early stages of the establishing the study at hand is now in the hands of the administration and reveals a startling discovery.  The policy nicknamed “The Odd Man Out,“ was considered more humanitarian than the MLB housing black players in boarding homes miles away from spring training sites.

And no, as alluded above, the purpose is not to infiltrate the lush greens of Augustus with collard greens or replace the NHL hockey rinks with black ice.  Quite the contrary as it’s believed that for the most part black folk are just fine not dominating every sport.  Administration research concluded that doing so would believe to unnecessarily raise the animus of those from the majority population who find suffering in not being able to say the N-word as freely as some that bear its hallmark characteristic.  In real terms, blacks want to avoid a potential backlash like the burning down of basketball hoops in the ‘hood.

The real impetus behind this movement was an incident that happened that became a political brouhaha in February of 2011.  President Obama was reflecting on his relationship with outgoing press secretary Robert Gibbs at his final press briefing.  Obama jokingly recalled how at the last moment before addressing the 2004 Democratic National Convention, he borrowed Gibbs’ tie as none of his own options were that well like.  Obama says that he asked Gibbs to “take one for the Gipper.”

Conservatives went ballistic by firing off that Obama was again tendering himself as the new Gipper, the persona based on a film role that forged the foundation of Ronald Reagan’s Hollywood and political legacy.  Some also were on the attack as he bungled the quote that revealed his true Un-Americaness.  It’s clear that Obama jumbled the phrase “take one for the team” with the immortal movie quote “win one for the Gipper” from the 1940 release Knute Rockne: All American Story.

The film purports to tell how the legendary Notre Dame football coach Knute Rockne with an anecdote about George Gipp, the first Norte Dame All-American football player, inspired his 1928 Fighting Irish to defeat heralded Army.

In the film, Pat O’Brien played the role of Rockne and Reagan played Gipp and it climaxes with Rockne’s halftime speech recalling how Gipp, on his death bed at the young age of 25 in 1920, told Rockne he wasn’t afraid to die and “Some time, Rock, when the team’s up against it; when things are wrong and the breaks are beating the boys — tell them to go in there with all they’ve got and win just one for the Gipper.”

However, Obama, several months after taking all the guff about Gipper found more about the story and realized he needed to distance himself from even one of his political heroes.  He discovered that the Gipper was more myth than Microsoft paying people to circulate an email.

George Gipp was a drinking, gambling pool shark who didn’t attend class.  But while playing at Notre Dame and being canonized in the press he had the time to bet on college football games and hustle marks in pool and poker.  As the writer of this bit of history reveals this would be analogous to Rasheed Wallace while playing in the NBA setting up a three-card monte table in Rittenhouse Square (a posh Philadelphia neighborhood).

Finally, the deathbed visit never happened and neither were the words “win just one for Gipper” ever uttered.

President Obama found that the myth making machine of mixing sports and politics was like weaving with a magical loom.  Reagan himself would later brag to a Notre Dame alumni group in Los Angeles that same year the film was released that when he was a radio sports announcer he had the chance to talk to Gipp.  But Reagan was only nine years old when Gipp died.

Nonetheless, two score later, the Gipper becomes president and we still have trickle-down Reagnomics in effect and the aftermath of the War on Drugs.  And then, of course, the ills perpetuated by Reagan’s hand-picked successor George H.W. Bush and more of the same but worse with George W. Bush.

Upon this realization, all that could be heard emanating from the Oval Office was a piercing shout of “damn!”

Later on, a White House kitchen staff member revealed that Obama took a couple of drags from a Kool’s cigarette he bummed from him just to calm down and contemplate his next move.  The staff member recalled that the president said, “Michelle would just have to understand.”

As the president began to relax under the influence of the nicotine, he remembered a long email message he had earlier dismissed as the ranting of a deranged man.  The subject line of that email was “KK.”  The Department of Homeland Security initially thought it was from a member of the KKK who couldn’t spell.  But since nothing is ever deleted from the White House files, especially a potential threat, the president easily recovered the email.

In essence, the email recounted how the selection of Marvin Gaye to sing the national anthem at the 1983 NBA All-Star Game in Los Angeles had set off a series of events that are wreaking havoc to this day.  So, Obama was now also linking how not only sports movies but the national anthem at sporting events shaped our future.

The original singer proposed for the gig was Lionel Richie but he was passed over as not being viewed as “big enough.”  You see, this was pre-pop music Lionel Richie; no one beyond the color barrier new Commodores Richie when he was known in his native southern funk drawl as LION-nel before his transformation to Line-NEL.

More on that development later but now back to Gaye.  Gaye, high on coke and riding a revival with his last big hit “Sexual Healing” turned an old English drinking song tune that was sampled for the Star-Bangled Banner known as our national anthem into a spiritual groove thang.  The crowd and the all-stars playing that day were swooning and swaying in rhythm.

However, as the letter writer concluded, there were many so called patriots pissed off at Mr. Gaye’s treatment.  Almost a year later he was dead.  The official report was that his father shot him but conspiracy theorists do not see his death soon after that performance as a coincidence.

Anyway, Richie so upset over being overlooked for the all-star game cranked up his crossover to pop music.  He released “Stuck on You” and later “Dancing on the Ceiling” on the heels of that disappointment.  The deal with the devil paid off.  Next thing you know, Richie is involved with “We Are the World” and performing at the 1984 Olympic Games also held in Los Angeles.

Richie, at the time, full of hubris, was known to yell seemingly out of the blue, “I’m Richie!”  Rick James heard it one night and later imitated it adding street flavor with “I’m Rich James, bitch!” and that was later comically and famously incorporated into a skit by Dave Chappelle.

But the dark side of this deal was that Richie would be infamously physically beaten by his three times a lady wife, Brenda, after discovering his infidelity.  There was also an inexplicable and sharp decline in popularity despite onerous attempts to maintain musical relevance.

But the worst part was that his adopted daughter, Nicole, became a problem child.  She would ride on the coattails of her father’s pop success and ultimately befriend rich socialite Paris Hilton.  That crew would expand with none other than Kim Kardashian (KK).  Now, perhaps there was a parallel plan for her entry into the sports world as her father Robert, was of course a friend and lawyer for O.J. Simpson.

But President Obama as he was digesting the email contents began to connect the dots.  The root cause be it Gaye or O.J. was almost immaterial.  KK had already sexually sabotaged football players Reggie Bush and Miles Austin.  The email written well before her 72 day “farriage” (fake marriage) with NBA player Kris Humphries just gave more credence to its allegations that maybe the fateful decision to go with Gaye at the ’83 NBA All-Star game has been far reaching.  Then, Obama, once the rumors surfaced that Kobe Bryant allegedly cheated on his wife Vanessa Bryant with a girlfriend of KK, knew that it was time to act.

Obama felt that KK, a confirmed white woman with a classic black booty was a lethal combination that if used for evil could unduly influence the sports world.  Yet, he also realized that KK was but a pawn in the bigger picture that must be addressed.  The issue, much like the theories behind the Military Industrial Complex and Prison Industrial Complex, required a comprehensive examination of the intersection of race, sex, movies, music, sports and politics.

The administration began to seek input from various think tanks and organizations.  What they got in return were several groups lobbying the president to institute reforms, initiate studies and policies that promoted their political platform.

The first group led by Davis Dubois, called The 10%, not to be confused with Five Percenters or the 1%, wanted to mandate that black athletes must attend college for four years.  The NFL could no longer operate a combine that paraded athletes almost nude for eyeballing and measuring.  All black broadcasters have to pass an Ebonics language test.    Rather than the Star-Bangled Banner being sung at sporting events, a rendition of the song that Alicia Keys and Angie Stone sang at the 2002 NBA All-Star Game in Philly that mixed “Lift Every Voice and Sing” with “America the Beautiful.”

Also, a study concerning how no one with the surname of Jefferson played in the NBA until Richard Jefferson was drafted in 2001 (Al Jefferson doubled the figure when he entered the NBA in 2004).  This statistical oddity is suspicious in that Thomas Jefferson or his brother (or both) were known to have fathered children with slaves, most famously Sally Hemings.  Another study would be to exhume the body of Babe Ruth and subject it to DNA tests to determine once and for all if he was of African descent.

Finally, this group would have the movie Remember the Titans starring Denzel Washington as the film and the quote “I don’t scratch my head unless it itches and I don’t dance unless I hear some music.” that would propel Mr. Washington to the White House.

Another faction called the JDubbs led by John Washington is maybe what would be considered more grass roots.  They see the problem that blacks got away from playing the national pastime.  They desire that blacks only play baseball.  And they want an investigation as to how the horse racing industry no longer has any black jockeys when the sport was dominated by blacks in the 1800s.  They see a possible direct link into the dwindling numbers of African-Americans playing in the Major Leagues.  They would have the movie The Bingo Long Travelling All-Stars & Motor Kings pave the way for Billy Dee Williams’ political path.

The more radical group led by Funky X. Hampton want to investigate whether James Naismith actually invented the game of basketball.  There are buoyed by the fact that Abner Doubleday has been depicted as a fraud who by no means invented the game of baseball.  Hampton wants to ensure that Robert Griffith III is drafted number one overall in the upcoming NFL draft and not the golden boy Andrew Luck.  The group known as the Funky X Bunch or FX Bunch also demands the commissioners of the NFL and NBA have barbershop summits to talk smack and resolve disputes among the brothers.

They see no reason why an NBA All-Star game can’t be held at Rucker Park in Harlem with Rakim spitting the national anthem as well and a corresponding televised spades tournament.  But the longtime prospects of the FX Bunch rely on Brian’s Song catapulting Billy Dee’s political career.  The major concern with that is that, as mentioned already, the JDubbs also want Williams.  They, however, think Williams will throw his hat in the ring with them because as a former alderman in Chicago from Mahogany he has a kinship with their urban coalition.

The last group thought to have influence would be the Iso’s led by Markeese Garvey.  The Iso’s want to return to an era of the Negro Leagues, Harlem Globetroters and Harlem Rens where blacks played in their own leagues or barnstormed against white teams while maintaining control over the finances and such.  They want to nationalize BET but allow TV One to remain independent but both undergo major upgrades in facilities and staffing to broadcasts the all-black leagues.

Their platform also wants a study into who slept with more women: Wilt Chamberlain or legendary boxer Jack Johnson.  But most importantly, they see the movie Hurricane as the vehicle to take the White House.  They don’t want Denzel though who portrayed Rubin “Hurricane” Carter as their candidate.  They want the real deal, Mr. Carter himself.  They just have to get him to renounce his Canadian citizenship and move back to the States.

Well, there is another group but they are not gaining much traction.  The Venus Vote led by Fannie Boo Rudolph is a feminist group that wants the WNBA to cease operation unless they lower the rim to 8.5 feet.  The Venus Vote is also spearheading the movement to have Whitney Houston’s recorded version of the national anthem sung at Super Bowl XXV to be used at all sporting events.  Their hopes for future political power rest in highlighting Love & Basketball and Sanaa Lathan becoming the first African-American woman president.

The President has advised these groups that he will consider their thoughts and ideas as he forms the committee and he left each group according to Hampton, with the words, “He who controls the present, controls the past. He who controls the past, controls the future.”

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